Fifth Gadget: I was stupid, so stupid. [Voice/action]

[hero_of_smiles]

[The toils of war were things Cross only read about and even than he never understood it. Why did people kill others? Why did they do horrible things to one another when it wasn't needed? But, why did he fight? Cross constantly told himself it was to protect people. To be a hero.

But that was all a lie and he knew it was. He played hero to make friends. To make people like him. The ultimate solver of loneliness in his opinion. But, this...none of that back in the draft was what he wanted. He watched people getting maimed in horrendous ways and brutally slaughtered. Was that what war really was? Senseless destruction and murder?

He had thought only the bad people killed...but people from his side were doing it too. Could it be that life just wasn't that black and white as he thought it was? Could he have been wrong as he watched a river of blood collect in that place? The thoughts of all that horror is swimming in his head as he lies in his bed, wrapped tightly in his bed sheets like a protective cocoon. Cross wants to believe that this would keep his world from crumbling all together. But, the fabric isn't tight enough to keep the pieces of his beliefs from hitting and smashing on the floor.

Cross turns to  his journal and stares at it for a long moment. Did he try and find comfort in others? Or try and act like everything was normal? When he finally decides, he flips it open, deciding voice is the better choice this time.]

Hey, um...to the people on the draft that fought with me. I wanna say thanks for having my back. I was probably pretty useless out there so thanks for keeping me alive long enough to get back here.

[Cross breathes deeply for a moment. A hollow smirk coming on his face.]

So, that was what a war was like, huh? And people here have gone through this stuff before. Man can't even imagine doing that all the time or how any of you can deal with it. Going to war and killing people I mean.

[He can only let out a small laugh at that.]

Guess I'm just stupid. Really stupid.

[And he just shuts off his book. Because even with seeing all that he doesn't think he could even bring himself to committing those acts as easily as others did.]

[Later when he can finally feel his legs again, Cross has gone into the village deciding he can't just hole up in his apartment. For whoever he knows he's gotta at least try and look like he can move past what he saw and what he dealt with.

He decides to head to Seventh Heaven getting food in his stomach was something he needed to do.

After that he's going to the library, this time around he's made himself another book fort. Maybe hiding in it could make the memories of war go away.

Lastly, he's gone the bar. Why? Well in his book fort rummaging he read that alcohol can help with this kind of stuff and while he may be a minor maybe it won't matter here. ]

Comments

[song_princess]

My lord? [Worried heron is very worried.]

voice

[hero_of_smiles]

[Leanne's voice is sort of comforting. Someone like her that still remained innocent, away from that horrible place of war. Cross tries to put some energy in his voice but it falters.]

Hey, Princess Leanne, what's up?

voice

[song_princess]

.... [She catches on that falter and goes to try and add more warmth and gentleness in her words.]

Where is my lord at? I wish to see him. And please, just call me Leanne.

voice

[hero_of_smiles]

Oh, I'm just at my apartment. Community building Seven, floor six, room twenty six.

voice;

[ex_tessen852]

Why would you say that? You are not stupid. [She's actually upset that he would think something like this.]

voice;

[hero_of_smiles]

'Course I am. I expected to be able to talk some of those cultists down from fighting, and what'd I get? Almost killed.

[He can now see why Robin called him naive. Because, he was, he still is.]

voice;

[ex_tessen852]

But that doesn't make you stupid. You were trying something new, and it didn't work.

I'm sorry that they didn't listen though. [This reminds her of Aang and how he didn't want to kill Ozai.]

voice;

[hero_of_smiles]

It wasn't like riding a bike out there, Suki.

[He sounds a bit bitter, if not a bit on edge about it all.]

This wasn't trying something new. I've done this before back at home, but not in a place like that. Not in war.

[Voice; filtered]

[thisismylife]

Hey.

[Artemis's voice is subdued, because she'd recognized Cross's voice, had heard the tone of it, recognized it as off. She wasn't taking the aftermath of the battle as hard as some might - she wasn't as much a stranger to it, either. But she understood how he could be shaken by it.]

It's not stupid. You're not stupid. War isn't meant to be easy, or taken lightly.

[Voice; filtered]

[hero_of_smiles]

[He hears Artemis's, if there were any other time he'd probably just laugh off his sad thoughts as nothing. That would just be a huge lie and in the spirit of keeping and making friends he may as well be honest.]

I never pictured it to be like that though. Never thought people here would kill those guys.

Re: [Voice; filtered]

[thisismylife]

Sometimes people don't have a choice. And I'm quickly learning that other people's worlds... some of them are really different. Is it even war without death? I know my world hasn't evolved that far. There's bad guys out to kill people everywhere.

[Voice; filtered]

[hero_of_smiles]

People still did died out there. Those cultists...they've got some power apparently to make the whole coming back from the dead not work. So, maybe it is still war.

[It was the first time he experienced it.]

I thought maybe though that they could be reasoned with. That maybe they weren't all that bad.

[voice]

[truemessiah]

Don't say that--you're not stupid at all. War isn't something that is meant to be easily understood or imagined, by anyone. It's a good thing you can't imagine it.

[voice]

[hero_of_smiles]

But it still happens doesn't it? And how can you not imagine it after seeing it? I just don't know what to think anymore.

[voice]

[truemessiah]

That will take time. [ To get over it. To process everything. ] It's best not to dwell on it.

[voice]

[hero_of_smiles]

What happens if you can't? I mean, people come back to life here, but it doesn't make it any less wrong about what those people did...

or how useless I was.

[voice]

[seleniahymn]

... I wouldn't say it's stupid. That would be choosing to ignore the gravity of it.

[voice]

[hero_of_smiles]

Suppose it's just called being naive. I don't know if I can ever ignore what happened....or the lives of the people I couldn't save.

[voice]

[seleniahymn]

Yes, it can be naïveté. But now that you do know, you shouldn't forget the circumstances and cost of it, because that would be disrespecting the loss it brings.

voice.

[halflived]

... Cross? What happened out there? [They may have only spoken once, and that had been unusual enough, but he can't ignore this. It felt terribly wrong.]

voice.

[hero_of_smiles]

[It's that boy from the valentine's day thing. Oh God, he just wants to bury his head under something. He said so many stupid things that day. But, it'd be rude to ignore this guy, especially since Cross just broadcasted himself.

So, with a hollow voice that seems distant he answers:]

I watched people die. People I couldn't save.

voice.

[halflived]

Every day out there? [He's witnessed the same, not here but he knows how painful it is and the feeling of helplessness. It's too bad he can't tell just how uncomfortable Cross is that he's talking to him, or else he would have considered excusing himself.]

[Video]

[toujoursfluer]

Are you all right, Cross-chan?

[Video]

[hero_of_smiles]

Not sure, I'll tell you when I don't feel like the room is spinning.

[There's kind of an empty laugh right there.]

But, I guess I'll get used to it if I'm brought onto more drafts.

[Video]

[toujoursfluer]

[Room is spinning? The empty laugh is also a little concerning on a different level]

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