hero_of_smiles | Fifth Gadget: I was stupid, so stupid. [Voice/action]

[The toils of war were things Cross only read about and even than he never understood it. Why did people kill others? Why did they do horrible things to one another when it wasn't needed? But, why did he fight? Cross constantly told himself it was to protect people. To be a hero.

But that was all a lie and he knew it was. He played hero to make friends. To make people like him. The ultimate solver of loneliness in his opinion. But, this...none of that back in the draft was what he wanted. He watched people getting maimed in horrendous ways and brutally slaughtered. Was that what war really was? Senseless destruction and murder?

He had thought only the bad people killed...but people from his side were doing it too. Could it be that life just wasn't that black and white as he thought it was? Could he have been wrong as he watched a river of blood collect in that place? The thoughts of all that horror is swimming in his head as he lies in his bed, wrapped tightly in his bed sheets like a protective cocoon. Cross wants to believe that this would keep his world from crumbling all together. But, the fabric isn't tight enough to keep the pieces of his beliefs from hitting and smashing on the floor.

Cross turns to his journal and stares at it for a long moment. Did he try and find comfort in others? Or try and act like everything was normal? When he finally decides, he flips it open, deciding voice is the better choice this time.]

Hey, um...to the people on the draft that fought with me. I wanna say thanks for having my back. I was probably pretty useless out there so thanks for keeping me alive long enough to get back here.

[Cross breathes deeply for a moment. A hollow smirk coming on his face.]

So, that was what a war was like, huh? And people here have gone through this stuff before. Man can't even imagine doing that all the time or how any of you can deal with it. Going to war and killing people I mean.

[He can only let out a small laugh at that.]

Guess I'm just stupid. Really stupid.

[And he just shuts off his book. Because even with seeing all that he doesn't think he could even bring himself to committing those acts as easily as others did.]

[Later when he can finally feel his legs again, Cross has gone into the village deciding he can't just hole up in his apartment. For whoever he knows he's gotta at least try and look like he can move past what he saw and what he dealt with.

He decides to head to Seventh Heaven getting food in his stomach was something he needed to do.

After that he's going to the library, this time around he's made himself another book fort. Maybe hiding in it could make the memories of war go away.

Lastly, he's gone the bar. Why? Well in his book fort rummaging he read that alcohol can help with this kind of stuff and while he may be a minor maybe it won't matter here. ]

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Yeah...yeah I know. I was doing that with the ones I came across.

[His voice didn't sound any better for it though. It didn't change the fact that the cultists murdered people. That he couldn't save enough innocent people or that he couldn't round up more cultists.]

I just wish there were a better way to stop 'em, you know? One where no one could get hurt and we could all get along.

[That pipe dream of his though, he could just see it crumbling around him as much as he tried to build it up.]

This may sound harsh, but it is just as much the truth: if you choose to only dwell on what happened this past time, you will be of no use the next time it happens. [He wasn't the first recipient of this harshness, nor did she believe he would be the last. But war was war, survival was survival.

They had to do what they could to maintain what peace they could achieve, and fear could not be their guide.]

[Ouch. At time, he might've snarked back at her. Maybe even yelled. But, his energy for that is gone. Just fizzled out and left him with the memories and his worst feelings.]

Suppose that's true. Just gonna have to get over it.

[He was never much use to begin with anyways.

But, he's done enough self pitying. He's just sounding annoying or stupid or something. Instead, he decides to change the subject.]

What's your name anyways?

[Though the more emotional part of her wants to issue an apology, the practical side that always won out keeps her tongue still. If it helped him in the long run, then all the better, isn't it? Such behavior could not be allowed to foster. She had seen the consequences of that before, and had been ready to counter him had he chosen to start arguing back.

Though the change of subject is unexpected, but not necessarily unwelcome. Still, it was obvious she had made him uncomfortable.] ... My name is Tear, I apologize for not introducing myself when I first answered your question, that was improper of me.

[Was it really nice to meet her? No. Not really. Not right now. Not with how he's feeling. But, what was more important? Her liking him or him wallowing in his own self pity?

In the end, he decides to shove those depressed feelings back down and go for being liked better.]

It's good to meet you, Tear. And it's okay. You were just trying to help out, so, it's all good.

Anyways, my name's Cross.

[Were she aware that he were feeling that way, Tear would actually be upset. She wasn't going to start disliking him simply because he was attempting to sort through an ordeal that was clearly taking its toll on him.]

Cross. If this is a matter you wish to discuss further, or feel you need to talk to someone, don't hesitate to contact me. It might seem better to keep these things to yourself, but that's not always the case.

[Good thing he keeps this stuff to himself. Even if she was sort of spotting what he was doing.]
Thanks, Tear. I'll be sure to come to you if I need it.

[It'll definitely be worth checking up on him again in the future, just to make sure he'll be okay.]

Anytime.

Well, I've wasted enough of your time, Miss Tear. So I probably should let you get going to whatever you need to do, right?

It wasn't a waste of time at all. [There would have been little reason to answer otherwise.]

I will see you then, Cross.

Fifth Gadget: I was stupid, so stupid. [Voice/action]

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